God's Love Story - The Burnham Edition

Disclaimner:: I miscounted how many weeks were until our anniversary. Our 5th wedding anniversary is four weeks from yesterday, lol. Now on to the story.

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You can imagine my disappointment when I went to bed on that Monday night. I hadn't received a phone call and I was sure this was a sign that he wanted nothing to do with me. I arrived at work the next morning and shared with Leah the disappointing news. I told her not to make any more contact with Jon about the situation. We left it up to him and to God. Well, Leah received a text that morning from Jon asking again for my phone number. She gave it to him and that was it.

I went on lunch that afternoon, to Chick-Fila to be exact, and while I was pulling out of the drive-thru my phone rang. I had a text. I didn't recognize the phone number but thought it must be him. I was so excited. I'm pretty sure that I texted Leah before I even texted him back. Do you want to know what my first text from my "Prince Charming" said? "Do you have Verizon?" Romantic right?  I laughed and replied yes. We texted all day, which was very against the rules at work but I promise if Kristin is reading this that my kids were safe and sound and I did interact with them, lol.

After a day of texting, he asked if he could call me that night. I told him yes. That night he did call just as he said he would. We talked for what seemed like forever. We asked each other questions and were getting to know each other. The night ended and of course I felt like I was on cloud nine! The week continued and we talked every day.

We talked about going out on our first date but he had to work all weekend and I had plans with some friends on that Friday. Friday evening rolled around and as I was leaving dinner with some friends from work and was headed west on I40 my phone rang. It was Scott which was weird because he was suppose to be at work. He got off early from work and asked me on our first official date. It was late and now the only thing between us officially meeting and going on our first date was getting my parent's permission. I prayed the whole way home that they would let me meet this stranger that they had never met.

God's Love Story :: The Burnham Edition

In exactly four weeks I will celebrate my fifth wedding anniversary with my husband, Scott. Our love story may not be as dramatic as the past "God's Love Story" couple - but it was definitely orchestrated by our loving God. I hope you enjoy, as I take reminsce about our meeting and courtship days and finally as I look back on our wedding day.

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I had a plan. I was going to meet my Prince Charming and be married by the age of 21. For some reason, in my mind, if I wasn't married by that age I felt I would never get married. In pursuit to fulfill this dream, on my own, I was dating a young man who wasn't the right fit. We dated for awhile and began seriously talking about marriage. Then things hit a downhill spiral - and fast. He became mean to me, disrespectful to my family, took me from my church and most of all I had allowed the Devil to use him to pull me away from God. I had to get to my lowest point before we finally broke up and with God's help, I began to mend the broken pieces. This was all due to the fact that I had a dream and I was trying to fulfill that dream by myself. There came a point after the break up that I finally "let go and let God". I decided that if God wanted me married by 21, I would be married. If he didn't that was fine too. I was going to let God write my love story. It was only until I had given up full control that my God began writing.

June 30, 2006 was a normal Sunday. My whole family loaded up and went to church Sunday morning, we came home and I'm sure we ate a great lunch and had an even better Sunday nap. We then loaded back up and headed to our church's evening service. I can remember every detail of that service (except the preaching, lol) just like it happened yesterday. We walked into Mt. Pisgah Baptist Church and sat in the same pew that we always sat in. However, on this particular evening a man sat in front of us who heavily smelt like smoke. We didn't want to be rude and cough throughout the whole service, so after our choir sang and it was fellowship time we moved to the back of the auditorium and sat in some overflow seats.

However, I forgot to mention that while we were sitting in the pew a couple of young men all dressed up sat in the overflow seats in the back of the auditorium. They were late and we all know that after the service begins and the doors open everyone looks back and sees who didn't make it on time :) I recognized the one guy as Jon, our Youth Pastor's brother, but didn't recognize the handsome guy who came with him.

Now back to the story ... we just happened to sit right behind the two young men once we moved from our pew. The service continued and all was well. After the service ended, my parents left and I hung around to chit-chat with my friend Leah. Leah, our Pastor's daughter, felt it was her duty to meet all the young men who were visitors ;) This time I decided to tag along. Knowing Jon, we both went and shook his hand and he introduced us to his friend. This was the first time I met Scott. He had the sweetest little smile and all was great in the world. After meeting we all left and headed our separate ways.

The next morning, I arrived at work after not being able to get Scott of off my mind. Leah and I worked together at a daycare and she could tell something was up. I began to tell her that I thought I would like to get to know "Jon's friend" and wondered how I could do that if I didn't know anything about him. That's all Leah needed to hear. She immediately got her cell phone out and began texting Jon for more details.

You must understand that going out of my way to talk to a guy was not normal for me. I was beyond shy in front of boys and wouldn't dream of talking to them first. All I can say is that it was God working. That whole day was filled with texting and giggling. We found out where he was from, what his major was and a whole bunch of minor details. Then the big moment came ... Leah asked me, "Do you want me to give him your number?" Remember, I had never done anything like that in my life! I softly said, "Ok" and she sent it to Jon. He said he would tell him and that's the last I heard ... at least for that day.

God's Love Story

It's Not True...It Just Can't Be...

By: Raquel Dunn

It's really funny when I think about it, I mean I spent at least eight years of my life telling other people's stories with ease but when has come to my own I have desperately struggled. So thank you for supporting and reading this blog. Your comments of encouragement have been something I look forward to, not for my own glory but to know that what I'm doing is exactly what GOD would have me to do. My prayer is that lives are changed and hearts are stirred by knowing the power of GOD when they read this story. I have felt twinges of guilt for keeping quiet so long now that I've started opening up. It's made me realize that when GOD does something in our lives, big or small, far too often we keep quiet...scared to share it...afraid of how others will view us; when in the grand scheme of life (and eternity) GOD's view is the only one that really matters.

After Earl's proposal we immediately drove back to his parents to share the news with them. Before we got there Earl and I had devised a plan on how we were going to tell them. He still had the "other" ring in his truck and we decided we'd get that box out and give it to his mom to take back to the store, while doing all we could to make my ring as noticeable as possible. Our scheme played out even more perfectly than we had expected it to.

We walked in, sat side by side on the fireplace hearth and just started chatting with them. By this time all the company for the evening had already left and it was just the two of them. Neither was paying very much attention to us. Jerrie was curled up on the couch watching something on television, while Big Earl was sitting across the room in his favorite leather chair, rummaging through the classifieds of a paper hoping to find his next great bargain.

Earl Jr. walked over to his mom after a few minutes and handed her the ring box asking if she could just return it since I didn't want it. She opened the box and studied the ring, taking it out and admiring it. Jerrie's a little farsighted, so to get a really good look at the ring she had to hold it out (sorry Jer, but I have to). She placed the ring on one of her toes and held her foot out, twisting it back and forth so she could see the cluster shimmer and shine. Then she said, "I don't see why you don't want this ring Rock. It's beautiful, look at it sparkle. Don't you think so Big Earl...Big Earl...Big Earl look at this."

Big Earl pulled the paper down from his face and began fumbling for his glasses (he's farsighted), "What?"

He was looking around trying to grasp what the conversation was about, which he does often because his mind is always somewhere else.

Jerrie continued flexing her foot back and forth, "Isn't it pretty Big Earl?"

All the while Earl and I sat on the fireplace with my hands placed directly on my kneecaps, intending for my ring to catch even more light than the ring on Jerrie's toe. And it must have worked because as Big Earl turned to see what Jerrie was trying to show him, he instantly jerked his head back toward us and sat up screaming, "What's that?!?!?!"

Jerrie still admiring the cluster, looked up and innocently said, "What's what?"

"That!!!!" Big Earl exclaimed and began pointing.

This time she saw it and tears cascaded down her cheeks, "Oh, it's not true! It can't be! Is that...?"

She began walking toward us. By that time we were all a weeping mess, as she wrapped her arms around us. She took my hand and asked again, "Is it...did he?" She couldn't even muster all the words out and neither could we as we just shook our heads yes.

We walked over to Big Earl so he cold look at the ring and as he held my hand, he just sobbed and began praising the LORD, "I've prayed for this for so long. I knew GOD would answer my prayers. I didn't know how, but I knew HE would."

After we all gained our composure, we called my parents and let them know and of course we shed another river of tears. Immediately, Jerrie insisted we needed to talk about picking a date. I'm not really sure how we chose it to be honest, but by the end of the night we'd decided on November 29th, which was just 6 weeks away.

I realize that it was just four weeks from the time I gave the ring back Earl to the day that we became engaged. How that happened? I don't really know and I'm trying to convince Earl to share his story and how he got to that point so that we have a complete story. Honestly, I'd expected to become his girlfriend first. Never in my wildest dreams did I think a proposal was around the corner. Most people don't go from best friends to engaged couples, but that's exactly how it happened for us.

Now, I finally had a ring, however, there was just one problem, my dress. I've kept you waiting long enough, so here is the rest of the story about the dress.

Back in May I had decidedly picked September 7th to be the date that my dress would need to be here. However, September 7th had come and gone and the dress was nowhere to be found. When I called to see when I could pick it up, the shop began profusely apologizing. Somehow, it hadn't arrived on time. They assured me it would be there any day and they would call, but that call never came. After about two weeks, I called them again requesting to know when my dress might arrive and again, they had no clue. It really wasn't a big deal since I wasn't engaged and considering the way things went on my birthday it didn't look like I would be any time soon either, so I let it go.

As we began making plans for the wedding, I realized I now had a dilemma. That dress needed to be here sometime in the next six weeks or I was going to be buying off the rack and had invested over a thousand dollars in dress that may not show up on time. On Monday, as Jerrie and I started making a guest list and talking about colors and all the things that go into planning a wedding, my phone rang. It was Wedding Wonderland. My dress arrived that morning. As I listened intently to the woman on the other end of the phone, my heart swelled into my throat and tears of joy flowed down my face.
 

GOD delivered my dress on the very next business day after Earl had proposed to me. It could not have been orchestrated more elegantly than that. HE knew the very date Earl would utter a proposal to me, and HE knew the very date my dress would arrive when HE told me to buy it five months earlier. GOD is so good and so patient and so loving, I wish the world to know HIS true power. Sadly, so many miss it. GOD is so much greater than we can fathom. Our lack of faith holds us back from experiencing HIS awesomeness. I have been so blessed by my HEAVENLY FATHER, in that HE has given me so great a love story to pass on to my children and grandchildren. I will tell them that GOD has a perfect plan for you when you wait and trust HIM. HE never makes a mistake. My dress being lost wasn't an accident. Wedding Wonderland or the designer did nothing different than they ever do. FedEx or UPS didn't misplace my dress either. It was GOD. HE wanted to make sure I'd never forget what HE did for me and how HE had completed a work HE had began. It was HIS finishing touch on a story with an ending far better than anything Hollywood could ever write. Oh and if you're wondering, the letter I wrote 2 years earlier (see If You're Reading This...), that I couldn't bring myself to throw away, I gave it to him on our wedding night.



Our engagement picture



Our wedding invitation



God's Love Story

What's Next?

By: Raquel Dunn

GOD truly works in mysterious ways, and as cliche´ as that sounds, it's true. This story is absolutely proof of that. For over three years of my life, I waited on a promise that seemed impossible. I dreamt of a reality that only happens in fairy tales or on movie screens. Yet, I lived and breathed every moment of this epic saga. And even though I was a central character in this romance, even I couldn't have predicted what was coming next.

Almost a month had passed since my birthday. Things were generally the same as they'd always been with Earl. However, I could tell something was different after I gave him the ring back. There was something more deliberate about him when we spent time together. I really couldn't understand what was going on, but I knew it had to be good. It was as if he was on the verge of moving forward, but with Earl it had been that ways so many times before I just couldn't be sure. Over and over, I'd gotten my hopes up that he was ready to commit to being a couple, only to have things come to a screeching halt, so this time I just waited...waited to see what turn we would take next.

It was Friday, October 3rd, 2003 and I had worked all night. I was looking into buying a condo instead of renting, so at this time I was still staying at his mom and dad's. I remember awakening to Earl laying on top of the covers beside me and just staring. It startled me really. He whispered, "Good morning to you," despite the fact that is was nearly 3 in the afternoon.


"Hey. What are you doing here?" I groggily answered.


"I wanted to wait on you to wake up. Get up and get ready, we're going somewhere, but don't eat anything," he informed me.


"OK," I told him as I sat up in the bed, "where are we going?"


"I just have some things to do, but we going to get something to eat while we're out," he advised as he left the room so I could began the process of crawling out of bed.


I could hear commotion coming from the kitchen, as I stumbled into the bathroom to shower and primp for the next hour. When I emerged, Earl was sitting at the table eating chili that Jerrie and another friend of ours had made for everyone to eat that night. I looked at him and said, "I thought you said not to eat?"

"Well, I was really hungry. I couldn't wait anymore. Sorry!" he explained.

If you don't know Earl, well, his stomach always comes first, no matter what is going on. So I sat and drank some coffee as he finished his chili. Everyone was planning to hang out at the house that night and they urged us to stay and enjoy a game of cards with them, but he was insistent that we had somewhere to go. They looked to me for an answer, but I could only shrug. With Earl being so aloof about the night, I didn't have the slightest clue as to what events the evening would entail.

Once we left, he began to complain about all the homework he had to do that weekend, so I suggested we just go to his house so he could work on it. He just looked at me and said, "You wanna go to Walmart? Let's go to Walmart. I'm sure there's something I need there."

I of course obliged. It didn't matter to me what we did, as long as I got to spend time with him.

We arrived, wondered around and ran into several people Earl knew (because no matter where you go, he always knows somebody) and then promptly left. I'm not sure we actually even bought anything other than a drink, but nonetheless, we got back in his truck and headed toward the interstate.

Again he launched into grumbling about all of his homework and again I suggested we just go back so he could work on it.

"No. I don't want to do that right now. Let's go by my uncle Mike's. I think he has a spotlight and we can go to dad's property and spotlight deer."

Now, while I may have grown up in the mountains of Southwest Virginia, where deer hunting is a sport that you actually getting excused absences for in school, I am not and never will be that kind of country girl—sorry, but the whole cameo gear and big 4x4 trucks was never a draw for me (which the latter is especially one of the reasons that made Earl and I such an unlikely match from the get go). At that point, I'm thinking, this has got to be the strangest evening of my life. Did he just say we were going to spotlight deer? Deer? Seriously! I'd really rather watch him do his homework! The bewilderment on my face must have been apparent. However, off we went to his uncle Mike's.

I'm not sure how long we stayed, about an hour or more. And to Earl's dismay, Mike did not have a spotlight. A great relief to me or so I thought. After we left, he still insisted we go to 40 acres and use his headlights to catch the deer off guard.

It took about 10 minutes to get there from Mike's house. When we reached the property, Earl got out to unlock the gate. As I watched him search out the key and open it up, I remember thinking at that point, I really wished we'd just stayed and played cards.

We began climbing the gradual incline of the dark gravel driveway, slowly making our way toward a grassy spot that he planned to park while waiting for deer to dart by. Before long his truck came to a rest and he cut the engine off. There we were...sitting and waiting for deer. Oh the excitement, well, not really, but anyway.

After a moment he turned and said, "Let's get in the back of the truck bed."

Now, while it was the beginning of October, which for the most part is generally mild in East Tennessee, this night was anything but. It was around 40 degrees,  I'd only worn a light sweater and I am very cold natured, so I responded rather quickly, "No. You're crazy! It's freezing out there!"

"Oh, come on! We'll just sit and see if any deer come out."

"Umm..no. It's cold."

"Just get out of the truck," he demanded.

I rolled my eyes, "Fine, but I'm not staying out there long." I said as I gave in.

Since we were on a hill, I climbed out on his side to keep from dealing with shutting his heavy door. He helped me into the back of his truck bed and hopped up behind me. I was standing with my arms crossed shivering uncontrollably.

"Are you cold?" he asked in a concerned manner.

"What do you think? I told you it was freezing out here!" I retorted.

"Well, listen, I really just wanted us to get out here so that we could pray. I want us to pray about us one more time. I'll start and then you can finish," he said.

"OK," I told him, but in my mind I was thinking, I don't need to pray about this anymore, but whatever.

He took my hand, stood before me and began to pray. I remember hearing him tell GOD if we were really meant to be together to make it crystal clear to him. He closed his prayer and I began with mine. All I could do was agree in prayer with him because it had been so apparent to me for so very long. I don't really remember every thing else that was said, but when I opened my eyes, Earl was on one knee. In his hands, he held an open box with a beautiful, platinum 1 carat diamond ring. I gasped and covered my mouth as tears streamed down my cold, red chapped cheeks. Sniffling and choking back tears of his own he rattled out, "Will you be my wife?"

For a moment, all I could manage to do was shake my head yes. Finally my voice broke through and I proclaimed, "YES!! YES!! YES!!"

He stood up and put the ring on my finger before taking me in his arms and gently kissing me.  In that moment, the world stood still again, but this time for all the reasons I wanted it to. Finally all the waiting and trusting I had done allowed GOD's plan to come to fruition and in HIS time, not my own.

"C'mon. Let's get you back in the truck to warm up," he tenderly urged.

As we climbed into the truck, my heart was so full of joyful elation that I'm not sure there's a word in the English language that would do justice to what I was feeling. I kept looking down to see if the ring was still there, just to know it was true. This time every sparkle radiated an exuberant euphoria that I'd never known. My faith increased a trillion fold that night. I knew I could never truly doubt GOD or HIS LOVE and MERCY and PLAN for me again. HE knew what HE was doing from the moment I'd committed to trust HIM and all HE would ever ask of me, no matter how dire the situation seems, is just that, to trust HIM.

(***The dress will without a doubt be on the next post!!****)

God's Love Story

Don't Give Me a Ring...

By: Raquel Dunn

Stepping into the plans GOD has for you isn't always easy. You think it would be but there is such a struggle spiritually. As much as you want to be obedient, you face fears and fleshly desires that make it hard to fully commit yourself to HIS plans. Somehow, when all came down to it, I knew letting my dreams of being a reporter go would bring me happiness in the end. Truly it did, because while I gave that dream up, GOD gave it back to me in different package much later down the road. You see that's another problem we have...wanting things to happen in certain order or in a certain way. We can't see that sometimes we get exactly what we were wanting all along, just not the way we wanted it. 

Around the first of August, I gave my two weeks notice. I'm sure my news director was quite surprised since he was aware of my ambitions to be an on-air personality and he knew exactly what I knew, going to a market the size of Knoxville left little chance you'd ever make that a reality. It was a bittersweet moment in so many ways. I remember the feelings of nervousness that were clouding my throat, as I approached his office. Thoughts raced through my mind...he had given me my first job in television, taken me under his wing and worked on developing my skills to shine on camera; how could I do this now? The disappointment he felt was obvious as I spoke, but what could he say. I'd made up my mind and I knew without a doubt it was time to plant myself somewhere and stay.

From the moment I'd gotten that phone to call up to now, everything had been such a whirlwind. It all happened just so fast. My new job was to begin on August 18th, so I packed and planned to move back in with Big Earl and Jerrie while I looked for an apartment to rent or a house to buy. I knew I couldn't stay there indefinitely this time. It was time to be on my own. Earl helped as I moved back but we were still in that silly holding pattern. I, for the life of me, could not understand why he wasn't ready to move forward one way or another. We spent time together like always and every day I hoped and prayed for it to be the day that he would want to take our friendship to the next level, but it never came. However, after a few weeks passed, something else did...my birthday.

As I settled into my new job and a new routine, everything felt perfect except that I still didn't know where I stood with Earl. I wanted to understand why GOD had allowed me to come back here only to be his "best buddy" again. I thought, maybe just maybe, my birthday would bring some sort of change. After all, I'd told the bridal shop that's when I needed my dress by, so perhaps it had some greater meaning that I couldn't see (**more on the dress next post**).

We made plans to go to UT game the day before my birthday, since I'd won tickets at work. Now, if you don't know Earl, while he may look like the star quarterback every girl dreams of dating in high school, he has absolutely no interest in football; so I had high hopes that by him agreeing to go it might mean something. But nothing. We went, I explained every thing that happened on the field and we went home. That was it. I was disappointed to say the least, but my birthday was tomorrow so maybe there was still hope all my dreams would come true.

The next day was Sunday, so off to church I went, hoping since it my birthday and the LORD's Day, that GOD would decide to shower me with blessings and I'd be in an actual relationship with Earl by night fall. When the service was over, everyone headed to Big Earl and Jerrie's for Sunday dinner. It was a tradition, I'd missed so much when I was in Bristol. It felt awesome to be...well, home. After everyone left and things had quietened down, Earl disappeared for a little while. Later he turned back up and asked me to come outside with him.

We were standing on the back porch and I thought, this was it! This was the moment he was going to tell me he'd figured everything out and he was ready to see what GOD had for us as a couple. Then he burst my bubble yet again.

I remember him standing there, his hands buried deep in his pockets, with a gaze that was locked downward. It was clear he was nervous and unsure of what to say and do. 

"Well, I got you something for your birthday." he managed to articulate to me.

"Oh, okay. What is it?" I inquisitively asked.

As he withdrew his hand from his pocket, he never looked up. "Here. It's not an engagement ring or anything, so don't think that."

I remember that sick feeling from a year ago creeping back into the pit of my stomach. Why was he handing me a small box? Why did he say that? Why couldn't he have told me he picked something nice out for me? Or Happy birthday, I hope you like this. No. Instead I got no eye contact and box shoved at me that I didn't really want to open now.

"Why would I think that? There's usually a question that follows somebody handing you a box." I rudely told him as I opened it.

Positioned in the slot inside was a beautiful, small diamond cluster ring. It did somewhat favor an engagement ring, but at the same time not really. I feigned a smile as best I could and said, "Thanks."

I'm sure he sensed my disappointment, so he finally looked up and tried to explain himself, "I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea. I mean, I care about you. We're friends and you're special to me so I wanted to get you something."

"Thanks. It's nice." I poignantly told him.

Somehow the awkward situation came to end and he left. I took the ring and put it on but couldn't help feeling disgruntled. All day long I looked at it and the more I looked at it, the more I resented it. Every sparkle it radiated, felt like a jab in my gut, reminding me of what I didn't have. I didn't want a ring...I wanted someone to love me. I didn't want to be his special friend, I wanted to be his girlfriend. By the end of the evening, I'd made my mind up...I hated this ring and what it represented. I  had every intention of giving it back and letting him know that.

Everyone had gone to a birthday party at some church members house later that night. When I got there I headed straight for him. When I walked up, I looked him straight in the eyes, I took the box out and I handed it to him, "I really appreciate you buying me this, but I can't accept it. I really don't want it. Buy me a necklace or earrings or whatever, but don't give me a ring until it means something."

God's Love Story

The Job

By: Raquel Dunn 

There's only three, maybe four more posts before this journey comes to a close. At least this journey of faith in this story. I know GOD has much more to write on my heart as I live out my life with HIM and I hope that I'll continue to share it and that you'll continue to follow it. Not because I want glory brought to my own life, but because HE is WORTHY of ALL our PRAISE! Now, onto the rest of the story.

The next month or so was rather mundane. No great happenings; I just continued following the simple steps of faith I'd been taking for the last three years. I was still spending most weekends in Knoxville and then coming back to work all week. My job was allowing me more freedom to put a resume tape (for those in the non-broadcasting world...this is how you get a job on TV...video of your work in TV) together, so I began to work on that. I would take stories I'd done for anchors to voice and add my voice to them and grab a videographer and do versions that showed my face for News Directors to see. While working on this, I desperately began to feel very conflicted about not giving my all to one place or the other. As I mentioned earlier, I had one foot in Knoxville and one foot in Bristol. So what do you do when face conflict? No, not go to a club with the girls this time! You pray!

I deeply desired to understand what GOD was doing at this time. I knew HE had called me to wait and buy a wedding dress which I was making payments on monthly, but I felt as if being torn between the two place didn't allow me to give my all to HIM. I had no real church home. Sometimes I was in Bristol. Sometimes I was in Knoxville and occasionally I even went to my parent's church. Before moving to Bristol, I'd been very involved at my church in Knoxville; volunteering when I could; jumping at the chance to teach; fellow shipping with my family of believers. Now, I was closer to GOD than I'd ever been, yet doing nothing physically for HIM since I wasn't settled.

It was like any other day at work. I arrived knowing what story I was hoping to work on while waiting to see if any major catastrophe called for us to cover it. When I walked in, someone called my name out letting me know I had a phone call waiting. That was nothing out of the ordinary, since I was expecting a call about a story I was working on that night. However, when I picked it up I got the surprise of a lifetime.

"This is Raquel," I stated in my most professional tone.

"Hey Raquel! This is Missy Glassmaker from Channel 10 in Knoxville. How are you doing?"

Confused as to why the Executive Producer of the station I'd interned for the summer before was calling me I answered in a baffling manner, "I'm good. How about you?"

"I'm great," she exclaimed, "Listen we were just checking in on some former interns. Seeing what they're up to now and how things are going."

I have no idea if she could hear the bewilderment in my voice, as I tried disguise it, "Well, I'm producing the weekend newscast here and field producing during the week. That's about it right now,"

Then she said something that catapulted me into a fog for the rest of the night, and quite possibly the next few days to come, "We've got a producer leaving and a position we're going to need filled and you're name came up. We thought we'd just give you a call and see if you were interested in applying?"

It felt like it took an eternity for me to answer, but I'm sure looking back I was quick and to the point, "Sure. I'd love to."

"Great! Get me tape together of some shows you've produced and we'll go from there." Missy told me.

"Okay." I said.

She quickly ended the conversation on a cordial note, "Good talking to you! I'll be looking for your tape in the next week or so," leaving me to my thoughts about how this moment could possibly be happening.

There was little time to think about what was said as I had to hurry off to our afternoon news meeting to plan that night's show, but afterwards it was all I could think about. Who calls and asks you to apply for a job? Sure, I'd interned just a year before, and I'd left on with high regards on the job I'd done, but jobs don't just fall in your lap, do they? What about being a reporter? If I took a producer position in that market, that's all I'd ever be. How could I give up the dream I'd had since I was 15 or 16 years old? I was so certain that was all I wanted to do for so long. While all my friends were flipping and flopping in college trying to figure out their career path, I never even dared to deviate from that plan. There was no question in my mind, I knew I wanted to be a reporter, as intimately as I knew my own name.

And then I began to think, the job is in Knoxville. Earl is in in Knoxville. I've been praying to be planted in one place or the other. Is this an answer to my prayers? What if me being close all the time pushes him away again? How can I be certain this is a trick to get to me make a mess of things?

  I battled my decision to apply for the next month. After all, they had not promised me the job. They merely thought I might make a good candidate. I wasn't given a green light just because they knew me and my work ethic. They subjected me to the same process they would for any other applicant applying for the job.  I sent in my tape and paper resume. I was interviewed by the News Director and faced very tough questions. I had to take a drug test and in the end, the ball was in my court. They offered me the job and gave a couple days to think it over.

While you may think the answer to this new dilemma I was facing would be simple, it wasn't. I consulted my family and friends. I wanted to be sure I made the right decision. Was it time to give up one dream to make the other a reality? I even asked Earl if he thought me moving back would be a problem and he said no. So I closed the book on the plans I'd had for my life and followed the WORD of GOD.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11 KJV

God's Love Story

Well...What Did HE Say

By: Raquel Dunn

This may be my favorite part of the story, which you'll learn why later. At the time it didn't seem quite as significant, but when it was all said and done, there is no way you can question the sovereignty of GOD in orchestrating my marriage.

At some point in April, my best friend from elementary school, Sharon, called to tell me that she and her husband had decided to renew their vows in the upcoming summer. They had eloped right after high school, so they never had a wedding ceremony with their family and friends and they really wanted to do that. She asked if I would be her maid of honor and I was so excited to get share in this opportunity with her! Since she lived in Texas, there was no possible way for us to go dress shopping together. With me being her only attendant I wouldn't have to worry about matching anyone so she told to find a dress, any dress I wanted, just make sure it was lilac.

Somehow, I convinced Earl to go dress shopping with me one day. We headed off to Wedding Wonderland and I tried on several dresses before settling on a simple, long A-line, satin dress with a darted waist and a minimal amount of beading around the neckline. They told me the dress would have to be ordered and that I would need to come in for a fitting sometime around May.

May would not only bring my new dress, but an end to my fast. I was excited and sad at the same time. After all it had been 40 days since a single morsel of food had touched my lips, so I could not wait to eat. However, at the same time, I was scared of losing the oneness I'd experienced with GOD. This encounter was so life changing, but not only that, I was left in holding pattern. I mean, I now had the joy that I had so longingly desired, but I wasn't free to move forward, which was something else I was hoping for. I knew GOD was still asking me to wait, just a little longer.

A couple of weeks into the month Wedding Wonderland called to let me know my dress was in and schedule me for a fitting. I picked a date and Jerrie accompanied me to shop. When we got there, the attendant brought the dress out and I tried it on. It need to be taken in slightly since I'd lost a few pounds from fasting. Once they did all their pinning and tucking, Jerrie suggested I try on wedding dresses just for fun. I figured it couldn't hurt. It would be amusing to pretend my big day was just around the corner and prance around in all these lovely gowns.

We picked a few to try on and the attendant helped me put on dress after dress. I remember thinking, they were all so beautiful, how could any bride pick one for her special day. I was almost done with the dresses we had picked when I slid my body into it.

It was perhaps one of the most simple gowns I had adorned that day. It was a long, white, princess cut dress with the most beautifully understated detailing I'd ever seen. It used a mixture of swirls and tiny flowers with rhinestones in the center sparingly up the bodice and around the waist. At the top a lace overlay came down to meet the heart shaped satin neckline. The bottom of the gown had the same detailing on the front and train. However, my favorite part was the back. It was so unbelievably exquisite and elegant. There was long line of tiny buttons extending down the back to the waist. Everything about it beckoned me to chose this dress to wear on my wedding day.



This is a picture I found in a Bridal magazine,



God's Love Story

Lessons Learned (Part 2)

By: Raquel Dunn

The first few days were the hardest. I love food and let's be honest, eating is a social past time in this country! However, every time a pang of hunger would strike I would open the WORD OF GOD and read a passage about fasting or the overcoming faith of the heroes of the Bible. Within the first week, I had truly conquered those pains.

I was extremely careful in the presentation of myself and around any opportunities that food was present. The Bible tells us to fast in secret. When you do this, it's important that you and GOD are the only people that are part of that inner circle. That's not to say a few people didn't know, because I did have to disclose what I was doing to a select few. One being my parents because I knew they were prayer warriors that could hold me up anytime I needed it. Earl's parents were also privy to the information as well. Mostly because since I stayed with them on my weekends, his mom began to notice I was never eating. She point blank confronted me with concern. Which in this day and age is completely understandable. Jerrie wanted to make sure that I wasn't starving myself, so I told her what I was doing and why. I remember her crying and telling me she hoped Earl would make the right choice because it was so clear that I loved him more than anyone ever could and that GOD had brought me into their life for a purpose. I also knew they would continually lift me up in prayer. As for everyone else, it was easy to pass it off as though I wasn't hungry when I was around them.

One week turned into two and three and not eating just became part of who I was, but amazing so did the HOLY SPIRIT. The indwelling that took place in that time took me to a heavenly place. I literally felt like I was in the presence of GOD with every breathe I took by the fourth week. As I said, Earl was barely talking to me. Others within my circle of "friends" had begun slandering me in a way that would have left me crying and screaming, "it's not fair" just six months earlier, but I had a calm that was like nothing of this world. I remember when I heard one the hurtful remarks that had been made against me. The LORD began putting the words, "no weapon formed against thee shall prosper..." I knew it was a Bible verse, but I had no clue where it was. Everyday I would get up with those words on my heart. I began searching for the scripture so I could dig a little deep and discover what treasure lie ahead. Then I found it:


"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." Isaiah 54:17 KJV

Notice the second half of that verse. It was unreal. The HOLY SPIRIT had taken me to a passage that described exactly was going on in my life. I was being judged without reason, but I knew how to handle it now and I knew this battle wasn't mine. It was HIS.

As I neared the end of the fast, I was faced with the greatest challenge I'd ever come up against. There were so many lessons to be learned from this one instance, that to this day it helps me keep my marriage intact.

I'd been going to church there in Bristol for several weeks. I didn't really get involved or make a lot of friends, but I wasn't trying either. I had one foot in Knoxville and another there in town. At the time it seemed impossible to merge the two. I had no way of choosing one or the other. My heart was with Earl, but my job was two hours north

It was like any other Wednesday night really, I was running late to service because of work but obviously I wasn't going to miss when I was so enraptured with GOD. HE was my lifeline in this fast and I had no intention of doing anything to get off track. I scampered in and two ushers were standing in the vestibule. They smiled and nodded their heads as to say hello and welcome. They were in opening remarks and I slid in near the back of the crowd and quietly took my seat. I joyful participated as they sang songs of praise, took up offering and went through prayer requests. Then it was the time to shake hands and greet one another. I stood at my pew, like always. I never really mingled much, instead letting others come to me. I wasn't there for the fellowship with them.

Then he approached me. He was young, tall, dark hair, blue eyes and of a very muscular, athletic build. He didn't really look like Earl but in someways he reminded me of him. I'd seen him every time I had attended service, but we'd never spoken. So what made tonight different? The fact that he was ushering? Maybe, but I was certain I'd seen him do that before. He walked up and reached for my hand and said something that would send my mind into a tailspin and cause me to do some serious soul searching.

"Hi, I just wanted to apologize for earlier."

"Apologize?" my puzzlement was most certainly obvious.

"Yeah. When you came in, we didn't bother to open the door for you. And I'm really sorry about that. My name is Jeff by the way."

Searching for a response, I smiled. "It's no big deal," I stuttered, "I didn't even notice."

And I really had not noticed.

Honestly though, what guy in the world today says something so charming and captivating as their first words to you.

He was determined to make sure I was accepting of his apology. I wholeheartedly embraced it and he walked away. I remember watching him head to his seat and everything felt like it was in slow motion as I took mine. What just happened here? What was I supposed to learn from this? I have no idea how long it took me to refocus on the service. The funny thing is, that was just the beginning.

After service, I always took my stuff and made a beeline for my car and tonight was no different, except, Jeff was apparently much quicker than me. Because as I turned out of the pew, there he was. Apologizing again! I told him it was fine. Then he asked if he could walk me to my car. Are you kidding me? Who asks? Men just do what they want now, even if the woman doesn't want them to. But seriously, I would've been crazy to turn him down. He was extremely good looking and his demeanor was so precious. So of course I said sure.

We stood by my car for the next 45 minutes just chatting and getting to know one another. I found him so inviting to be around. The joy he exuded was unbelievable. Finally the parking lot was nearly empty and he said, "Well, I'd better let you go."

I'd completely lost track of time. I was so captivated by the whole evening I'm not sure I wanted to go. He offered to open my car door to make up for earlier, so I let him. I thanked him and began to get in and then he said, "If it wouldn't be too forward, I'd really like to take you to dinner sometime?"

I think in that moment I was trying to figure out if this was real or some Nicholas Sparks romance novel I was reading. I was at loss for words. My heart was turning flips and my head was spinning. Never had I felt so valued and cherished by a man. The only words I could muster out were, "Can I pray about that?"

"Absolutely. I want you to do that," he told me in a kind and heartwarming tone.

"Okay, I'll give you an answer next time I'm at church."

Then I got in and I probably would have sat there contemplating everything that had just taken place, if he wasn't standing there watching me drive off. As I pulled out of the parking lot, a flood of tears washed away all traces of make up and drenched my clothing.

I was left to my thoughts all the way home. What did this mean? What was the answer I should give him? What about Earl? Why couldn't Earl see me this way? Was GOD telling me it was okay to let go? This guy seemed so perfect in so many ways. How could I say no to him? Was it possible to hold on to Earl and still date this guy to see what GOD wanted? Neither would known about the other. No, I can't do that. That's just wrong.

Due to some schedule shifting at work, it was a couple of weeks before I was able to make it back to church to give him my answer. I spent every moment I could in prayer. I weighed all the pros and cons and I finally came to a decision.

This is what I told Jeff, "I'd love to go out with you. Everything in me wants to say yes, but right now I'm not in a place where I'm free to do that. GOD is working on my heart and as much as I want this, the timing isn't right, but in a few months it may be."

He was so gracious in accepting my answer and always made a point to speak to me and be friendly with me every time I was there.  Perhaps he was hoping my answer would eventually change. Sometimes I wanted my answer to change, but I now knew what GOD was trying to teach me from this experiece.

 

1.     I didn't really know Jeff and as perfect as he seemed in that moment, who's to say he wouldn't eventually end up as fickle as Earl. 

 

2.     I'd promised Earl I'd wait for him to make a decision and to figure out what GOD was saying to him.

 

3.     I'd promised GOD to follow HIM, not my heart.

 

4.     When I am married, just because things are not going picture perfect, doesn't mean you walk away from the commitment you've made when some dashingly, handsome man gives more attention than your husband. 

 

So I waited and continued my fast until the very end.

God's Love Story

Lessons Learned (Part 1)

By: Raquel Dunn

Sometimes it's hard to learn from mistakes. You hope, when you go through something that you will always take away some great lesson, but sometimes you end up right back in the same situation time and time again. That's sort the way things seemed to be going for Earl and me at this point. One minute we were becoming close, not quite more than friends, yet at the same time we were a little more than "just" friends. I know it's a little bit of an oxymoron but I truly have no idea how to explain the dynamics of our relationship EVER (at least until much later). It was always like that with us. At certain points, we would hardly be speaking and the by the next day it would seem as if we were close to taking a step beyond friendship. If you're confused by all this, then just imagine living it! I was a constant state of discombobulation! So really, even though Earl was suddenly pushing me away on purpose, it was just history repeating itself for us.

Everything else in my life seemed to be looking up. I got a promotion at work and no longer had to do the graveyard shift. I moved to weekend producer and through the week I was a field producer. I even got to do a story that actually made it on air with my voice! I was constantly working on getting my resume tape so I could move far away from my crazy life. However, I knew running wasn't really the answer from past experience (I had learned my lesson, Earl, I guess, had not ). This time I decided to do some things differently when he began his reoccurring withdrawing act.

First, I found a good, strong church in town and started going to the Sunday morning and midweek services. Since I was now working weekends I spent Monday and Tuesday in Knoxville. I know it seems silly that I was even continuing to go, but he hadn't completely cut me out of his life. We would still hang out with a big group of people. There just wasn't any alone time or mushy talk about missing me anymore.

Next, I made a MAJOR decision in my spiritual life. It was, without a doubt, the most eye opening experience of my Christian walk, even to date. I resolved to fast from all forms of food. At first, the plan was to do it for just a few days, see what GOD was saying to me and move forward. However, it lasted 40 days. Because this part of my story is so personal and I don't want any one to misunderstand its purpose, here's my giant disclaimer about what I did.

****I DID NOT fast for Earl to marry me! That would have been not only been selfish, but completely out of the context in which Christ tells us to fast. I studied fasting extensively before undertaking this task, as well as during the fast so that I could absolutely be certain what I was doing was pleasing to the LORD.  NEVER did I intend for this spiritual journey to be about Earl. It was completely about me and my SAVIOR. I'd allowed myself to fall in a miry pit of anguish just a few months earlier and I was determined it would NOT happen again. So to be clear in my purpose for fasting, I did it because I wanted freedom; freedom from this bondage I felt to the dream I'd been holding onto and all turbulence I'd encountered from the moment I decided to believe the dream. At that point, I just wanted to move forward in my life, with or without Earl. From my knowledge of Scripture, I had learned that some things only come by prayer AND fasting. I was broken and determined that I would spend the rest of my life experiencing peace and joy no matter my circumstances.  ****

Now, as the fast began Earl suddenly started opening up to me yet once again. We'd talk for hours and he'd explain how he was still confused and searching for answers and asked me not to give up on him. I told him I wouldn't. Which is what makes everything that happened in those 40 days mind boggling. When you take on the spiritual world, there is a battle that ensues like no other. Those words GOD put in Earl's mouth were for my comfort because my world was being turned upside down. He, like so many times before, isolated himself from me. However, he was ruder and crueler than he'd ever been to me and I was tested beyond belief. Even when he was with Amy and he had cut off communication with me, there was a hint of hope and indecisiveness in his words. Because of what I was doing, I knew Earl's words were in some ways out of his control. Rather it was the workings of demonic spirits and even perhaps a testing phase from GOD HIMSELF because of the request I was making. 

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [place]." Ephesians 6:12 KJV
"I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me." Romans 7:21 KJV

What I was attempting wasn't an easy task, nor was it something that the devil ever wants us to do. I was on a journey, to the Throne Room of Christ because I was tired of being bullied by my emotions and my lukewarm faith. I was committed to having control over my heart and mind for the rest of my life; no matter what kind battles were in store for the future...I knew if I was tenacious enough in this fast that Christ in me would win every time I might have to wrestle with happenings of life.

God's Love Story

Three Steps Forward and One Giant Step Back

By: Raquel Dunn

As much as I wished, this would be the post that I tell you we finally got together and lived happily ever after, it's not. We still had at least another year of growing pains to go through. When Earl left that evening, obviously we were in a much better place. We were finally talking after five months of silence. It was a wonderful feeling, but I had a lot of tears to shed. Tears of happiness and still tears of grief...mostly for my attitude with GOD. HE had done nothing but try to comfort me in those months and I'd done everything to make sure HE couldn't. Even today when I look back, I wonder why HE even bothred, but now that I have children, I get it. HE bothered because no matter how horrible my attitude was, HE still loved me.

A couple of weeks passed and around Thanksgiving his dad, Adam, his brother and him decided to go visit some family they had in Virginia. They left Knoxville late that night, around 8 or 9 pm. The only reason I can come up with why they did something so silly is GOD. Because they were tired before they even started, Earl suggested they stop and stay in my apartment in Bristol while I was at work. So he called asked if that was possible and I said sure.

They got there around 10 that night. They came in settled and I finished getting ready to leave. When it was time to go Earl offered to drive me. I told him he didn't need to. It was just across the street and I could walk, but he insisted since it was dark, he should drive me. I gavNdola and we left.

We pulled up and instead of me getting out, he asked if we could talk before I went in. So I sat there in the car with him and listened more than I talked. He finally told me he was trying to get out of his relationship with Amy but he didn't know how. He shared how mismatched they were and how miserable he was. But of course, as I told you earlier, Earl hates hurting people and of course the thought of hurting her was his biggest obstacle. We ended up sitting there talking for the next four hours. He detailed all the fighting they had done and still did at that point. He explained that despite having severed all communication with me, I was still very much a problem in their relationship. Everything she did, he compared it to me and they way I did things. He even told me at one point during an argument she even told him, "I'm beginning to think you two are meant to be together."

Finally, the conversation came to a close and we held hands and I prayed for him. I asked GOD to help set him free from the guilt he felt for hurting her. He hugged me and told me he'd see me in the morning. That coversation left me on an emotional high for sure, but it still took him at least a month to break things off with her. I kept my distance until I knew it was really over.

It was around January 2003 and I began spending all my weekends in Knoxville again. Earl and I still weren't a couple, but we would spend all the time we could together from Friday to Sunday night. I'd leave and head to his mom and dad's as soon as I got off work at 7 am every weekend. I guess the excitement of GOD doing this great work kept me awake as I drove an hour and half with virtually no sleep. I'd get there and pass out, sleeping half the day. When Earl got off in the evnings we'd hang out with everyone, just like old times. Sometimes we'd do things alone, but most of the time it was always with a group. As much as I wanted it to be more, it just wasn't yet. I kept telling myself I had to trust GOD and that Earl was still healing from his relationship with Amy. It just wasn't time, no matter how much I wanted it to be.

In February, he went on a retreat with the youth at church. It was the first weekend in almost two months that we hadn't been together. I still came to Knoxville and spent it with his parents. I'll never forget when he came back how excited I was to see him. We'd talked on the phone while he was away and he told me he missed me and wished he'd stayed there with me, but that just wasn't an option.

The retreat had been planeed for a few months and Amy's younger brother, Brandon, had signed up to go. Earl really liked her family and had kept in touch with her brother after their breakup. I was okay with that. I knew where his feelings for her stood and it just didn't bother me. Perhaps it should've because when he came back something changed. I still to this day don't know if it was something Brandon said, something else that happened or just GOD's way of putting the finishing touches on a story only HE could have written, but when Earl came back he gradually began to be distant.

At first, I was okay with that. I chalked it up to him still trying to work though what he felt for me and anything that was left over for Amy. However as time when on, it became more and more apparent he was pushing me away on purpose.

God's Love Story

Tomorrow...

By: Raquel Dunn

That letter sat on my dining table for the next two weeks. Every morning when I arrived home from work and walked into my one bedroom apartment, it was there. It stood out more than the over sized windows it was situated between. It beckoned my attention more than the 12 foot ceilings I stared up at when I was on the couch. With every glance I took at it, the more I wanted to throw it away. Yet, the more I also wanted to believe there was still hope. So how do you ignore the smallest thing in you life that has become the biggest elephant in your room (literally)? You go out to a club with a bunch of girls.

The director I worked with every morning, Gary, began suggesting to the other ladies at work to invite me along with them when they got together. So after a few days I got phone call from one of the reporters at the station. She invited me to hang out with her, our main anchor, and a couple others. I wasn't really a club person anymore. I'd tried that shoe on, didn't really stick, but I was lonely. It was Saturday night and I wanted to free my mind. So I jumped at the chance to make friends and get away from that CRAZY envelope that was haunting me.

It was a typical girls night out. We danced, flirted and laughed at the men making fools of themselves. The night ended and I arrived back at my apartment around 4am. Since it was so late, I knew I wasn't even going to make an effort to go to church that morning. I made a beeline for my bedroom and was able to completely ignore IT (you know, the "letter").

My phone rang around noon. I struggled to find it in the pitch black room I'd barricaded myself in. When I did, the number shocked me...the caller ID showed Earl's number ...I quickly picked it up and scratched out, "Hello."

On the other end, I heard Jerrie's voice. She was being extremely elusive, speaking in code almost. She asked if I was busy and what I was doing. Told me about them heading to a funeral in Johnson City and then she began to whisper. I could barely make out what she was saying but I did get that they were planning to stop by my apartment, Earl Jr. was with them and I had an hour to get ready. Then she said, "Bye."

I sat up in the bed thinking, what in the world is going on? After a few minutes of bewilderment, I sprang from under the covers and began getting ready.  Was Earl going to be okay with stopping? Was he going to come in or sit in the car? We hadn't spoken in five months, what should I say to him? Do I tell him congratulations? I can't even begin to scratch the surface of all that was going on in my head in that moment. I scurried to make my bed, shower and get dressed. Then I walked into the living room and there it was...the "letter". I grabbed it, for fear that he had some sort of x-ray vision or something I guess, and stuffed it in a book and put it in my closet, where I knew he'd never see it.

Then a knock. I walked over to the door and looked through the peep hole and there were Big Earl and Jerrie, alone. No Earl. Oh well, I thought. I mean, did I really expect him to be with them? After all,  he had made it crystal clear our paths were to never cross again. I guess Jerrie was just wishfully thinking that he would come in with them. They sat down and started talking, not saying a word about him. I was dying to ask though, why all the vagueness earlier?

Then another knock. Again I looked through the peep hole to see who it was, but they had covered it with their finger. So I opened it hoping with everything in me to see his handsome face behind it. And sure enough, there he was. I nonchalantly turned without speaking and left the door open for him to follow. I had no idea what to say honestly. I wanted to make sure it seemed as though I cared less that he was now standing in my living room and my presence for the first time in so long.

He trickled in behind me shutting the door and making some snide, yet nervous, comment about me being rude. It was obvious he was as unsure as I was of how to handle the situation. His mom and dad kept chatting and making small talk with us and the tension slowly eased. He and I began to joke and it felt as if nothing had ever changed. Then he asked if we could take a walk alone and I of course obliged.

My heart was without a doubt in my throat as we started out the door. What were we going to talk about? Did he want to explain why he was getting married? Was he sorry? What was I going to say? After all, I'd done nothing but wallow in misery for the past five months. I couldn't tell him about that! Or even that I was building this great life on my own, because quite frankly, I was so unhappy that even having started the climb toward the dream I'd had of being a journalist for most of my life, felt as empty as Satan's cold, cruel heart. He must have been at as much a loss for what to say as I was because, for the first few minutes we just walked in silence.

As we turned the corner heading down State Street, he began making speaking. At first his words were meaningless fluff. I was only half listening; my mind just kept wondering, why is he here?

Then he turned to me and urgently uttered, "I really need you to pray for me."

"Okay." I said, "do you want to tell me what to pray about?"

"Not right now," he murmured in a subdued tone looking down at the dirty sidewalk, "all I can say is, I'm about to make the biggest mistake of my life and I don't know what to do."

My heart was racing so fast I'm surprised it didn't explode. Was he alluding to his engagement? Did he want to break it off with Amy? Had he realized I was the girl for him now? I desperately wanted to prod for more information, but I knew he'd just taken a huge step in restoring our friendship and I didn't want push him away. I just told him I'd be honored to pray for him and left it at that.

We walked a little further and he began to tell me how much he missed being around me, that no one encouraged him the way I did and that something was missing from his life once he had shut me out. I just listened, not really saying much. I was aware that this was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do; and as much as I wanted to dance and shout and jump for joy, I knew I didn't deserve the words that were coming from his mouth. My faith had become so feeble and my heart had grown so numb toward GOD that more than anything I felt humbled that HE'd even allowed this moment to happen.

Eventually we turned and headed back toward my apartment. The seriousness of our conversation began to turn to silliness and things felt extremely familiar and just as they should be. As we walked up the steps to my door, I knew GOD hadn't forgotten me, I'd forgotten HIM. He was holding me all this time, trying so hard to get me to listen so HE could explain things to me, but I had shut HIM out. I knew as we opened the door to the apartment, that it was time to open the gates of my heart again to HIS promise and trust HIM for whatever was ahead

God's Love Story, Continued

If You're Reading This...

By: Raquel Dunn

Over the next few months, I did more soul searching than I've ever done in my life. When a dream is shattered you begin to look at everything around you, trying to find what you really should hope for. For me, I was merely living from one day to the next now. Trying to ignore the fact that I didn't have a heart anymore. It had been ripped from me in such a gut wrenching way, that my whole perspective of walking with GOD was changed. I kept going to church. I just wanted to do what I had to do to check it off of my being a decent Christian list. I still believed in GOD, but I didn't really want a relationship with HIM anymore. I believed HE had failed me...lead me into a valley and left me with no pathway out.

Quickly, I decided I had to start dating, so I dated the first guy that showed me attention. He was younger. Not even remotely serving the LORD. He believed in GOD but that was it as far as I could see. That suited me just fine too. I didn't want anyone who would point me toward the CROSS again. He was so very sweet and completely devoted to me, but to be honest, he was only there to keep me company. I'm not proud of it, but really I used him so I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts or even worse, GOD.

The weeks dragged on and I kept in touch with Big Earl and Jerrie. We rarely discussed anything to do with Earl and Amy. It was always a just checking on you conversation. I was content to bury that part of my life and never resurrect it, but there was one person who wouldn't let me do that...my mom. She kept telling me over and over to have faith.

I remember yelling at her once and saying, "What don't you get!?! He's getting married! Leave me alone!"

Of course her answer in an always cheerful and jolly tone was, "Well they're not married yet."

Really, there were times when I almost hated her for trying to keep this dream alive. Why couldn't she let it go? I was.

Around the first of November, I stopped seeing the guy I'd been dating. I guess guilt overwhelmed me and I really didn't feel anything for him. I only liked that having him around numbed my pain. For the first time in two months, I was alone. Completely and utterly alone, with the exception of a mouse that had taken up residence in my kitchen. He would come out searching for food and just stop stare at me before scampering back to wherever he was hiding. I almost felt guilty for putting a trap out to capture him. He felt like the only friend I had at the moment, but I just couldn't share my residence with a mouse. I wasn't that crazy.

Then one day, I decided to busy myself with unpacking something that I hadn't gotten around to yet. Keeping my mind occupied helped fend off my thoughts. Unfortunately, this task only ended up taking me to the place I was working so hard to avoid.

As I shuffled through some papers I'd pulled out, I found a letter I'd written Earl. It was dated Thanksgiving of 2001, almost a year had passed. This is an excert of the beginning:

Lil Earl,

Hey Honey! If you're reading this then I know it's okay to call you that because we finally made it...If you're reading this then I know it's our wedding night because that's when I want you to truly know all that I am about to tell you...

The letter went on for five pages, detailing every great work GOD had done to show me why he was the man I was supposed to marry.  Tears flowed as I went back to each of those moments. It was like walking through it all over again. I wanted to rip the letter to shreds, yet I was drawn to keep reading. I wanted to crumple it up and toss it in the trash, yet I neatly folded it and placed it back in the envelope I'd kept it in. I wanted to take a match and watch it go up in flames the way my heart had two months earlier, yet I stood it up against the wall and walked away.

I lay on the floor in a pool of tears, begging GOD to take this burden away. I was supposed to be moving forward, not looking back. Why did I find it now while the pain was still so fresh? Why was my heart stirring, wanting to believe this craziness again? Then in true Scarlett O'Hara fashion, I decided, " I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."

 

 

God's Love Story, Continued

Time to Move on

By: Raquel Dunn 

After the phone call from Shawnta, I wanted more confirmation. As if her telling me wasn't enough! So once I was able to pull myself together, I called Jerrie, Earl's mom. It was really a comical conversation looking back, but at the time it was a way for me to find peace and move on, or at least I thought that's what I was going to do.

"Hello." she said as she answered the phone.

"Hey. Anything new going on with you guys lately," I sarcastically retorted.

"No. Not really." said the timid, uncertain of what to say, voice on the other end.

"Really? Nothing? Nothing new with your boys or anything?" I exclaimed more than asked in a disconcerted manner.

She paused..."You already know," was her subdued answer.

"Know what?" I again inquired hastily.

"You know. I'm not going to say it. I don't want to say it, Rock." she somberly explained.

However, that wasn't good enough for me. I knew I needed her to say it. I need it for many reasons, so I continued to prod.

"What don't you want to say? I need to you tell me what's going on."

Reluctantly she blurted it out, "Earl asked Amy to marry him."

I was positive that confirmation from her would set me free from the dream I now believed was more of a type of bondage than anything. It didn't. A brief flush of relief swept over me and then the sickening feeling crept back up from the pit of my stomach.

However, what she told me next did breathe some life back into me. It was her reaction to the news. They had come over to tell her and Big Earl and she sat down at the dining room table with them. She already knew what they were about to say, because someone else had spilled the beans before Earl and Amy came by. Not being the first to find out had really broken her heart in many ways she explained, but she was determined to be happy for them when they told her.

As Amy put her hand out to show the ring, Jerrie took it and looked down and just cried she recounted the story. Thoughts flooded her mind and without even thinking, she said it...

"What am I going to tell Rock?"

Jerrie told me about Earl's reaction, "Mom, I can't deal with that right now."

She immediately began apologizing and Amy pulled her hand back and said, "Oh."

It did make me feel somewhat better that their happy moment was sorta spoiled. I listened as Jerrie went on about how she meant for that thought to stay in her head, but somehow it just came out. I laughed and it helped lighten the conversation. We spoke a few more minutes and then hung up.

After the call, I sat there, pondering.

What do I do now? I've waited for so long. How do I go on? How do I keep believing GOD? Why was this the ending after all we'd been through? Why did Earl say that? No. Don't go there. It didn't mean anything...but it was an odd reaction. No! You have to let this go! Stop analyzing what you want to hear and live with what has happened. Why GOD, why?

And then I decided it. It was clear. I had no other choice in front of me. It was time to move on.

God's Love Story, Continued ...

From a Broken Heart to a Broken Dream

By: Raquel Dunn

For the past few days I've been trying to wrap my mind around how to tell the next part. It was truly one of the darkest and loneliest times of my life. Sure, I'd had this great epiphany about how GOD was really "the one" and I had come to terms with waiting, but I wasn't prepared for next turn our story took. I just expected things would get easier after that revelation. That couldn't have been further from the truth.

Earl had completely cut all ties with me by the end of June 2002. I was a few months from graduating, so I threw myself into my summer studies. Spent long hours working at the internship I'd landed at the top TV station in town. Basically, I did whatever I could to lose myself in everything but the heartbreak I felt. I still believed GOD was working things out I just had to find a way to keep busy.

As the summer came to a close and I finished up with school, I began searching for a job. One of the reporters at the station I'd been working at suggested I apply at a station in the Tri-Cities area of Virginia/Tennessee. She had worked there prior to coming to Knoxville and said she'd call the news director for me. I thought about it and jumped at the chance. I mean it was the station I'd grown up watching and the thought of getting my big break in my hometown certainly appealed to me. Besides it was only an hour and half from Knoxville. So by the end of August I was packing my stuff and moving to Bristol.

I was excited, yet terrified and as time began for me to leave got closer and closer, I became angry. In my mind, I started questioning GOD. How on earth could HE fix all this if I was an hour and a half away? It had already been 2 months since Earl had spoken to me and the thought of putting more distance between us seemed stupid. At that point though, I had no choice. I had a job to go to and I couldn't sit here forever.

When I got to Bristol, I ended up working the night shift. That meant I worked from 11pm to 7am producing the morning newscast. I was all alone until about 4 am when others would trickle in, but really the only people I saw were my anchor and the janitor. I had weekends off so I kept going to church, driving 45 minutes to my dad's church because I didn't have a clue where to go there in town.

As the weeks passed, I made few friends and my work hours didn't exactly leave a lot of time for socializing. I felt lonelier than ever. Even though I was still going to church, I didn't dare open my BIBLE during the week. I had no interest in hearing what GOD had to say. I would just stay at home and watch TV, sometimes glimpsing over at the GOOD BOOK but quickly looking the other way. Suddenly, I would give in to that anger that was building up inside me. I felt abandoned. GOD had sent me to this town where I barely knew anyone, given me a job where I never saw anyone and taken away the best friend I'd ever had. Yet, HE loved me? I certainly couldn't make sense of it.

Then it happened...my birthday came, September 7th, and I got a phone call. Not from Earl, but from one of my best friends, Shawnta. She still lived in Knoxville and was still going to Wooddale, the church I'd met Earl. She told me happy birthday and we chatted and then she said, "So, you heard the big news?"

My heart sunk in that moment. It felt like it was so far in the pit of my stomach it would never be able to climb out. I knew what was about to come out of her mouth. It was as if the world stood still. I wanted it to stand still. I didn't want the conversation to go on any longer. I wanted the past 3 years of my life to erase in an instant.

"No. What news?"

Silence.

"Shawnta, what news!?"

More silence.

"Um....I thought you'd already heard."

"Heard what!" I demanded.

"Earl asked Amy to marry him," she quietly and humbly delivered the terrifying blow I'd known was coming.

Silence.

"Raquel, I'm sorry. I thought Jerrie would have already told you."

Deafening silence.

After a few moments I spoke, "I have to go. I'll talk to you later."

I'm sure she said goodbye, but I don't really remember anything after that except crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. Thoughts raced through my mind. The anger I felt toward GOD swept from my head to my toes. It was as if I'd lived a lie for the past three years. I'd hoped in something that...never really was. I'd dreamed of happiness that was unattainable. I'd believed in GOD. I'd trusted in waiting every time HE would ask. And now HE had failed me. My heart wasn't just broken. My life was crumbling and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to pick up the all the pieces.